The Way You Should Live: jokes

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WE ARE FLINT, AND WE ARE DANGEROUS!

Our society does find self-deprecating humor endearing, we enjoy when others reveal their life failures, especially if it’s relatable to our own. It might even be good for us to laugh at ourselves once in a while! Yet, can making fun of your Business have benefits?

We’re thinking that to a limited extent, it can. Sure, you don’t normally want to make fun of your employees, product or services. But then again, you just might want to!

Try this one out, for a restaurant: “We have the slowest service in town!” WITH THE TAG LINE: “That’s because we make each order individually with loving care!” This is a fun way to explain to your customers that you care about the food you serve and teaches them that excellent food takes time. Course, it could also be used to cover-up your poor service management! LOL

How about this one for a Rock Band: “Don’t come out to hear us tonight!” WITH THE TAG LINE: “Cuz we turn the volume up way to LOUD!” This might really discourage some attendees, but will energies others. Most likely, those “energetic” ones, knowing what to expect, are the ones that will make a special effort to come out, enjoy your show, and give you the best reviews!

Now, what would it be like if a City used self-deprecating humor about itself? Let’s say a City like the one I live in, Flint, Michigan. Most all of you have heard of my city of Flint; “Murder capital of the country.” “But, we are hoping to get the world ranking soon!” “The most dangerous city in the country, flax vest await you at our border!”” When we say, built Flint Tough, we’re not talking about the cars!” “All our sports teams are named the “Flames,” cause they really are on FIRE!” “Come to Flint, if you’re looking for a job! Everyone else is too!”

Okay, okay, I could go on and on, and although this kind of humor does point a negative spotlight on my city, could it also be used to promote the City?

Could negative promotion create positive results? This might be a dangerous idea in promoting a city, especial, one that has been working so hard to destroy its own negative self-image.

Let’s think about it. Could promoting our bad boy image to the country be used as cover while we actually improve our city?! Could someday, the very people that laughed at our city actually begin to see that it is becoming a safe, honorable place to live?

Could exploiting our negative image allow us to laugh all the way to the bank? Could marketing our City’s “toughness”, be made profitable? Sad to say, I believe it could. Sad, because our country thrives on the “bad boy” image, the western “shot’em up” mentality, gansta want-ta-be’s, and we could use that craze to make a profit!

I already regret writing this! Some of you will believe I’ve hit on a brilliant idea and actually go about implementing it. This is not what I want my City’s image to be. Not even for a PROFIT! NOT even if it cured our un-employment, not even if it put public services back on our streets.

Sometime the right way of doing things is the toughest way. “WE ARE FLINT, AND WE ARE DANGEROUS!”

Check out some positively dangerous Flint sites!

Facebook:

“Positively Flint” “Bring Two to Flint” “Flint Home Buying”

Websites:

“Carriage Town Media” “Damascus Road Church, Flint”

Blogs:

“Funny Business” “The Way You Should Live”

Flint Photos:

“Fine Art American/Positively Flint Gallery” Marketplace on Facebook

“Positively Michigan”

Learn more marketing ideas from:

ctmediaflint@gmail.com

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GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY, GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?"

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze. "Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.

She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, have a couple of children, and then retire and travel."

"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know."

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.

We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it! There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change.

Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets." She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose." She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the years end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.

Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.

See more uplifting stories at http://www.lecontact.com/uplifting_stories_-_english.htm

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WHAT HAPPENED!

In the not so distant past, as a boy, snow meant money! On days like today in Flint, Michigan with the 2--4 inches of light powdery snow, it meant easy money! Back in the day I would get a buddy and we’d grab our snow shovels and each take one side of the street knocking on doors with the hopes of finding someone to pay us 5 bucks to shovel out their driveway. Then together, we’d shovel them out. Some of our best customers were, widows, older retired men and sometime working men that appreciated our entrepreneurship or were just to lazy to do it themselves.

After doing three of four driveways, we would go off to the corner drugstore to purchase a soda-pop, a candy bar and the ever precious, comic book! Dare Devil was my favorite. For a time I even owned it’s first edition. That was until years later when my mother was cleaning out the attic, and inadvertently threw it away. I still love my mom, but it’s been hard to forgive her for her ignorance in discarding a piece of history!

However, comic books and snow shoveling is not the point of this writing, it’s about the lost of entrepreneurship within our young people. It is self-evident to all parents, single parent of not, that having a child that actively finds a way to self-employ themselves creates feelings of accomplishment, self-confidence and teaches them the value of money.

Are you actively encouraging, or even demanding, your child to find ways to fill their free time productively? I am not saying they need a full time job. I think that education should be a fulltime job for young folks. Yet, as a parent, are you looking at ways to help build character in your child. Think about it.

What Chicks talk about...and talk... and talk....

My wife had “The Girls” Wednesday night meeting at our home last night. I holed up in my “Man Cave” aka “Prayer Room.” Although my cave was a distance for where the girls gathered I could still hear the din of their voices and the crescendo of their laughter and giggles. It was a good sound. It felt good knowing that the women where having a fun time together away from their normal day-to-day routine.

After they toured our home and chitchatted, I could feel the house quieting down as they hunkered down within the living room. (Okay, so maybe woman don’t “hunker down” maybe it’s better to say they settled down and nested. Okay so maybe I shouldn’t use the word “nested” either, it sounds so male chauvinistic, let's just say, they all sat down.) Because of the distance from my “Man Cave” and my television being tuned to the baseball game, I could just make out snippets of conversation. Seems like every sentence that I could make out started with…. “Then he said….” (inaudible) followed by group LAUGHTER! Or “Then he did this….(inaudible) followed by group LAUGHTER. I couldn’t identify any of the voices that started each of these sentences, but there was a multiple of them, all seemingly telling stories about the men in their lives. Now, my interpretation of these snippets of conversation as being about the male relationships in their lives may come from my own male paranoia, but I strongly believe that they were talking about us guys. This, I then conclude, that our women find us men, amusing. Understand this, I don’t think the girls were making fun of us or putting us down, they just like to talk about us. What was especially endearing, was the times the sentences started out with the same…. Then he said this, or then he did this…followed by the voices of the other women…. “That’s so sweet”, and Ohs and ahs.

Men, here is something we might need to think about; the woman are watching us and sharing their experiences with other women. This could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how we treat our spouse or girlfriend, but, the main point is, that woman listen to other woman about their relationships and gauge their own relationships by the action, words and deeds of the men in other woman’s lives.

As the, lets call them, more experienced woman, told the stories of their relationship with men, both the good and the bad, the other ladies’ are thinking over the character of the man and judging if that is how they want their own “Man” to be like. Especial the younger girls, they listen intently to the stories and the reactions from the other women. To me this means these younger girls are building a resume of wants, can live with, and can’t live without qualities they will be looking for within the men they meet and date.

What does this revelation mean to us men? (Guess it’s not a revelation, cause its been the same way since Eve was passing-on her “Adam” stories to her daughters.) Maybe, our treatment of women is a real life reflection of our “Heart” for God. Maybe, a man’s true “Heart” for God can be gauged on our “Heart” for the women in our lives. We men are always saying that we’re striving to be like Jesus, but do we treat our own wife or girlfriend in a way that reflects that?

Ladies, have I even come close to being right on this subject or are you just shaking your heads, sighing a little laugh because I’ve given you another “Man” story! : )

Well, Ladies and Gentleman, no mater what you think about my thoughts written here, I will be retiring to my “Prayer” cave……okay, so it is a “Man” cave….and think more about how I treat my wife and the other women God has brought into my life. Crap, this could take a long, long time. Wonder what time the ball game starts.

My neighbor is so noisy that……

Having recently moved from suburbia, into a downtown apartment, the newly located young man got a phone call from his old, next door neighbor. “So,” he said, “how do you like apartment living, now that you’re in the big city?”

The young man replied, “Well, my neighbors are terribly noisy people. The one on one side keeps banging on the wall all night. I can hear the one on the other side screaming all night. The people upstairs hammer on the floor all night”

“That’s terrible!” says the old, suburbanite neighbor. “How do you manage to put up with such noisy neighbors?”

“I don’t do anything. I just keep turning up the volume on my stereo.”

Personally, in my own defense of being this said noisy neighbor; I once had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on the wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. After having this happen for a while, the next time he knocked on the wall, I messed with his head by yelling, “No ones home!”

To make good neighbors, be a good neighbor.

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Learn the rule of 7

Remember that most people are home during the hours of 7p.m.-7a.m.

Be aware that if you’re at home your neighbors are most likely as well.

If you can hear them, they can hear you!

When you can hear your neighbors banging around, then remember that they can hear you too!

The Normal Neighborly Noises:

Battle of the Blaring Bands.

Yes, you have the right to listen to your favorite music, but do you have the right to listen to it at your favorite volume. If you have to listen to it loud, remember the rule of 7. If you really want to be a great neighbor, buy yourself some wireless head phones. That way you can listen to the music anywhere in the house, and many of the new wireless head phones have better acoustical sound than your stereo.

High Heels.

Ladies and gentlemen, no mater if you’re an upstairs neighbor, downstairs or to the side, your shoes can be heard on the floor, especially hard-wood floors. Be a good neighbor and take off your shoes at the door. If you have the need to wear shoes in your apartment, have some warm slippers or comfortable sandals waiting for you when you come in.

Slamming Doors and Cupboards.

How much more effort does it take to quietly pull the door behind you? In the kitchen, don’t let loose of the cupboard doors letting them slam shut. Especially if you have a cheap landlord that didn’t put handles on the kitchen cabinets.

Television Volume.

Again, remember the rule of 7. Don’t keep your television volume higher than needed. If your apartment space makes it hard to hear the TV or if you’re a little hard of hearing as I am, purchase some wireless directional speakers to place behind your seating area or buy a wireless system with comfortable ear buds. Many wireless systems have both directional speakers and personal listening devices. Great for when others are in the house not watching TV or for when you’re moving room to room doing chores.

Late Night TV.

Some of us need to have the television on to help put us to sleep. Remember to keep the volume down as low as you can and remember to set the automatic shut off timer when you jump into bed.

Barking Dogs. The nation’s number one complaint!

Everyone hates the sound of the neighbor’s dog(s) barking! EVERYONE! Even the people that own dogs! If you own a dog do everything you can to keep them from barking. Train your dogs not to bark. “But I have them for protection against break ins! Then move to a safer building, Us neighbors don’t care. Even one yip can be irritating. Buy a dog training book, watch the “Dog Whisper”, get an electronic, dog barker shocker, just do something to stop the dog from barking!

Arguments and Loud talkers.

It happens, you and your roommate, partner or spouse will sooner or later get into an argument. Don’t yell! Learn the rules of how to argue. Using your quiet voice is more effective in getting your opinion heard. This can be a hard lesson to practice, especial if you’re of Irish or Italian heritage!

How to Confront a Noisy Neighbor.

What not to say: Hey, you rotten, putrid, meat bag, wrapped in human flesh. Your TV/Music is to *&%$#@ LOUD!

What to say: I was wonder, is my TV/Music too loud for you? (Thereby, starting conversation about the noise, in a neighborly way) I worried that you can hear it in your apartment. (A sly hint for them to talk about their own TV/Music volume)

What not to say: If I hear your mangy, flea bitten mutt bark again, I’m going to call the cops or plug’em with my pellet gun!

What to say: What a nice dog you have, it sure seems very protective of you, with its barking at most any sounds. (Most dog owners will get the hint, most dog owners are already aware of the problem.) Tell them a story about how you once had a neighbor with a dog, and how they trained it not to bark cept when really needed. Let them know that there are books to help them train a dog not only not to stop barking, but how to do lots of cool tricks too.

Confronting a noisy neighbor is hard, but not if you do it politely and gently, remembering; To make good neighbors, be a good neighbor.

A New Birth of Freedom

Maximilian Hodder - Hollywood, CaliforniaAs heard on The Bob Edwards Show, July 3, 2009To state clearly and honestly one’s beliefs in a few hundred words is a large order in any man’s language, particularly so if one has been a victim of a number of very personal tragedies.Ever since my adolescent mind began to comprehend the complexities of our daily life, I looked upon a human being as a personification of that great unknown with a very specific mission on earth to fulfill. I looked for perfection, for love, and understanding. I believe in human being.

Then one day from the world of a carefree, happy life of a young, up

-and-coming writer/director in prewar Poland, I was thrown into the Nazis’ and, later, communists’ world of hatred, tyranny, murder, and destruction. Human being ceased to be what I believed it was destined for, and I became the raw material for a soap factory—an implement in a five-year plan, or a guinea pig in a biological laboratory. I lost my country and my family, and my belief in human being was crushed mercilessly. I became bitter and cynical.

Then came the third and, to me perhaps, the most significant period of my life so far, here in America. From the moment the immigration officer at LaGuardia Airport shook my hand and wished me good luck, I again began to see the sunnier side of life. I have made true friends and they have proven themselves when I needed them most. Food and clothing for victims of floods, a group of GIs adopting an orphan and sending him to school, neighbors building a new home for a victim of fire, Community Chest, Cancer Fund, Salvation Army, Alcoholics Anonymous, and a thousand other such acts or associations, all voluntary, collective or individual, left an indelible mark on me. It gave me a new lease on life. I again believe in mankind.

I now remember not only the days when people were chased from houses of worship with guns, but also those poor Russians who traded for food their most treasured possessions, but kept the holy icons. I now think not only of those who killed, but also of the kind Russian peasants who met our convoy to Siberia and, in spite of guys who chased them away, tried to share with us corned beef, a piece of bread, perhaps their last one. I also think of those gun-starved wretches who, after years of unendurable exploitation in forced labor camps, still had enough humanness left in them to sing or even joke occasionally.

I now, again, believe there is more good than evil; more of those who create, or wish to create, than those who destroy; more of those who love than those who hate. I firmly believe in an inalienable right of the individual to live the life of his choice, his right to work or rest, smile or cry, succeed or fail, pray or play.

The great Polish poet Adam Mickiewicz said, “The nectar of life is sweet only when shared with others.” I therefore also believe that it is my duty to contribute, in whatever way I can, to the present struggle to bring hope to those still oppressed, so that, as a great American once said, “They also may, under God, have a new birth of freedom.”

Director Maximilian Hodder worked in the movie industries of Eastern Europe. While serving in the Polish Army during World War II, he was captured by the Soviets but managed to escape and went on to join the Royal Air Force. Hodder came to the United States in 1949 to work in Hollywood.

If you enjoyed this essay, please take a moment and support This I Believe, Inc., the non-profit organization that made it possible. We have and hope you will too. Rex Studio. Flint, Mich.

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Free Minds and Hearts at Work

At the beginning of the World Series of 1947, I experienced a completely new emotion, when the National Anthem was played. This time, I thought, it is being played for me, as much as for anyone else. This is organized major league baseball, and I am standing here with all the others; and everything that takes place includes me.

About a year later, I went to Atlanta, Georgia, to play in an exhibition game. On the field, for the first time in Atlanta, there were Negroes and whites. Other Negroes, besides me. And I thought: What I have always believed has come to be.

And what is it that I have always believed? First, that imperfections are human. But that wherever human beings were given room to breathe and time to think, those imperfections would disappear, no matter how slowly. I do not believe that we have found or even approached perfection. That is not necessarily in the scheme of human events. Handicaps, stumbling blocks, prejudices—all of these are imperfect. Yet, they have to be reckoned with because they are in the scheme of human events.

Whatever obstacles I found made me fight all the harder. But it would have been impossible for me to fight at all, except that I was sustained by the personal and deep-rooted belief that my fight had a chance. It had a chance because it took place in a free society. Not once was I forced to face and fight an immovable object. Not once was the situation so cast-iron rigid that I had no chance at all. Free minds and human hearts were at work all around me; and so there was the probability of improvement. I look at my children now, and know that I must still prepare them to meet obstacles and prejudices.

But I can tell them, too, that they will never face some of these prejudices because other people have gone before them. And to myself I can say that, because progress is unalterable, many of today’s dogmas will have vanished by the time they grow into adults. I can say to my children: There is a chance for you. No guarantee, but a chance.

And this chance has come to be, because there is nothing static with free people. There is no Middle Ages logic so strong that it can stop the human tide from flowing forward. I do not believe that every person, in every walk of life, can succeed in spite of any handicap. That would be perfection. But I do believe—and with every fiber in me—that what I was able to attain came to be because we put behind us (no matter how slowly) the dogmas of the past: to discover the truth of today; and perhaps find the greatness of tomorrow.

I believe in the human race. I believe in the warm heart. I believe in man’s integrity. I believe in the goodness of a free society. And I believe that the society can remain good only as long as we are willing to fight for it—and to fight against whatever imperfections may exist.

My fight was against the barriers that kept Negroes out of baseball. This was the area where I found imperfection, and where I was best able to fight. And I fought because I knew it was not doomed to be a losing fight. It couldn’t be a losing fight—not when it took place in a free society.

And; in the largest sense, I believe that what I did was done for me—that it was my faith in God that sustained me in my fight. And that what was done for me must and will be done for others.

In 1947, Jackie Robinson pioneered the integration of American professional athletics by becoming the first black player in Major League Baseball. During his 10 seasons with the Brooklyn Dodgers, he played on six World Series teams and was voted the National League's Most Valuable Player in 1949.

If you enjoyed this essay, please take a moment and support This I Believe, Inc., the non-profit organization that made it possible. We have and hope you will too. Rex Studio. Flint, Mich.

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Don't Celebrate Valentine's Day.

I know this couple who don't celebrate Valentine's Day.

These happily married people--call them Nick and Nora.

Nick and Nora laugh about not celebrating Valentine's Day; it's sort of a private joke.

What they do is treat each other well during the year. They go places, enjoy each others' company, and even buy the occasional bouquet of flowers. Occasionally one does the others' chore, simply to be nice. When one has a cold, the other makes soup. They notice when the other one has a new haircut or pair of shoes. They point out interesting magazine articles the other probably wouldn't see.

So what they do on Valentine's Day is pretty much what they do on other days.

Editor: So maybe Valentine's Day was just created as a Hallmark Moment! Or, that it's a day that reminds us how crappy we've treated each other the other 364 days of the year.

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How Did I Get So Fat!

1. You're Following Bad Advice

Sometimes the government goofs. In the late 1970s, the United States began advocating a high-carbohydrate, low-fat diet. In the early 1970s, the average daily energy intake was 2,450 calories. By the year 2000, that number had risen to 2,618. Almost all of those extra calories came from carbohydrates, according to the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey.

2. You Eat Fat-Free Foods

Warning: Low-fat foods may make you fat. Cornell University researchers reported that when overweight men and women were told they were eating low-fat M&Ms, they consumed 47 percent more calories than those who were given regular M&Ms (the M&Ms were actually all the same). On average, low-fat foods contain 59 percent less fat, but only 15 percent fewer calories than full-fat products.

3. You (Still) Don't Eat Breakfast

Sure, you've heard this one before. But it's important: Researchers at the University of Massachusetts found that people who don't eat breakfast are nearly five times more likely to be obese than those who make it an everyday habit.

4. You're Eating Too Much Sugar

According to a USDA survey, an average American eats 82 grams of added sugar every day. That's almost 20 teaspoons, which contribute an empty 317 calories.

5. You Don't Lift Weights

In a study at Ball State University, scientists put overweight men on a 1,500-calorie-a-day diet, and divided them into three groups -- one that didn't exercise, another that performed aerobic exercise three days a week, and a third that did both aerobic exercise and weight training. Each group lost almost the same amount of weight -- about 21 pounds. But the lifters shed 5 more pounds of fat than those who didn't pump iron. Why? Their 21-pound weight loss was almost pure fat, while the other two groups lost just 15 pounds of lard, along with several pounds of muscle.

The Mayo Clinic Diet: Eat well, enjoy life, lose weight.

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So! You like'a the jokes? It's always a good idea to have a book load of them around the house!

Not only was the Fat Albert show funny (Least it was when I was a kid) it taught some good life lessons.

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The Way You Should Live

Pages

WE ARE FLINT, AND WE ARE DANGEROUS!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY, GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL

WHAT HAPPENED!

What Chicks talk about...and talk... and talk....

My neighbor is so noisy that……

A New Birth of Freedom

Free Minds and Hearts at Work

Don't Celebrate Valentine's Day.

How Did I Get So Fat!

Flint

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